How do you know you love someone

How do you know when you’re in love

Indeed, how do you know you love someone, and when do you know? What are the signs you’re in love?

Though you may have your own reason for being here, I can think of two potential ones:

1. You’re wondering if you should stay or walk away. Deciding whether or not you really love someone can lead to a potentially life-changing decision – is your relationship worth it, or is it time to break up. Or,
2. You’re here because you’re still waiting for something to happen for you to know you’re in love. But you have no idea what that ‘something’ is.

Regardless of your reason, I’m so glad you’ve landed here.

I hope to help you figure out if you’re really in love or whether a relationship breakdown might be on the cards.

The signs and symptoms of being in love depend to some extent on which phase your relationship is in.

You may be completely smitten early on. I’ll explain what that looks and feels like further down, so you know when you’re in love and dating.

That phase passes, though. It turns into a stage in which your feelings may not be as heightened as in the early days, but you still love your partner. Or perhaps not so much anymore!

Perhaps that’s why you landed here in the first place. Maybe you’re no longer sure you’re in love.

So, let’s get you sorted and help you understand your feelings better.

The three phases of love, according to John Gottman

• Phase 1 – love is like an addiction. Your love for the object of your desire completely consumes you.
• Phase 2 – having your partner’s interest at heart – or not. Helping your partner feel secure – or not. 
• Phase 3 – grateful you’ve found each other – or increasingly resentful.

How to know when you’re in love early on

Phase 1

It’s simple to know when you’re in love with someone early on – you’re addicted and obsessed! You can’t help yourself but be consumed by your partner.

Here’s what that looks like in terms of feelings, thoughts, body and actions.

Your feelings and emotions when you’re completely lovelorn

• You feel ecstatic, sky-high, over-the-moon and on top of the mountain!
• Yet, you could equally plunge into the depths of despair when things haven’t happened quite as you expected, such as a text not immediately answered, an evening out without you or a minor disagreement.
• You feel slightly jealous when your partner spends time with, looking at and talking to someone else.
• You feel anxious when you’re somehow being prevented from seeing your partner.
• You feel s*xually attracted to your partner. In fact, you’re rather lustful!
• You feel deep empathy toward your partner on account of adverse events or positive experiences. You feel what they’re feeling.

Your thoughts during the first phase of your relationship

• You can name everything you like about them.
• You can’t stop thinking about that person – you get up and go to bed with that person on your mind.
• You find it difficult to concentrate on anything else.
• You’re constantly daydreaming about them.
• You go over and over conversations you’ve had with them.
• You remind yourself and savour even the smallest moments of joy together.

Your body reacts to the extra feel-good and excitement hormones

• Your heart beats faster at the sight of them.
• You breathe faster.
• You blush easily.

Your actions are geared toward more, more and more

In the first phase of your relationship, you spend a good part of the day doing whatever you can to expand opportunities for feeling and thinking about the love of your life.

• You look for every opportunity to meet or contact them.
• You seek out everything there’s to know about them.
• You’re generous and thoughtful with your time, gifts and possibly money.
• You tend to neglect other meaningful relationships with friends and family.
• You actively treasure every gift and physical reminder.
• You can’t stop looking at photos, rearranging them and maybe sharing them.

Unfortunately, the high level of emotion impedes your judgement.

Your now all-or-nothing black and white thinking is like that in substance abuse and during actual danger. It limits logical thinking.

So, you may well be missing red flags. Or you simply ignore them because everything else feels so right. Surely, you’ve met your soulmate!?

And just in case you met online, I’d also like you to read my article on what happens when you’ve been catfished.

How do you know you’re in love

Phase 2 – building trust

In phase 2 of a relationship, the rose-tinted glasses begin to drop, and you’re confronted with the real person instead of the idealised one. You may become less enchanted with whom you’ve netted as previously hidden aspects of their character reveal themselves.

You’re both beginning to ‘be yourself’.

You’re learning what honestly, loyalty, support, commitment and trust mean and require in this relationship.

“Love in Phase 2 becomes punctuated by frustration, exasperation, disappointment, sadness, and fury. The majority of fighting in a relationship happens in the first two years.”

John Gottman, PhD

So, how do you know you’re in love in this relationship phase?

During this period, you know you love someone when:

• You still have many of the feelings of the first phase, though you may no longer be so obsessive.
• You see, hear and experience the more challenging aspects of your partner’s character. You’re learning to accept or challenge them
• You have no hesitation in talking about character flaws as you see them.
• You’ll have argued, felt disappointed, hurt, frustrated and sad, but you’ll have recovered (or you’re totting them up).
• You feel your partner treats you with care, consideration, compassion and respect.
• You continue to stay curious about and take an interest in them and get to know them even better.
• You happily see them integrating further into your social circle, and you’re becoming part of theirs.
• You trust your partner’s commitment to you.
• You trust them to have your back, defend you if necessary and support you when times are tough.
• That trust allows you to return your attention to the rest of your life without fear of abandonment.
• You’re beginning to think about a future together with a healthy degree of hesitation.

Even if you’re not entirely sure of all of the above, you’re learning what to trust, to what extent and what not.

You should be suspicious when you think you’re in love when:

How to know you’re in love

Phase 3

You know when you’re in love with someone in this phase when:

• You feel you’re both involved on an equal level.
• You’re both grateful to have found one another.
• You’re both happy and content.
• You have little or no hesitation in building a future together.

Whether or not you’re in love in this phase, you might want to think again about staying together if:

• You’re constantly arguing in a way that makes you feel humiliated, unimportant and undermined.
• You’re only shouting at each other during arguments.
• You’re ending up doing what your partner wants to keep the peace.
• You’ve stopped voicing what you want.
• You feel a black cloud over your head the moment you hear your partner put the key in the lock.

When it may be extra challenging to know you’re in love

9 reasons making it difficult to know if you’re in love

It’ll be really challenging to know when you’re in love on account of the following:

1. You have a fear of commitment.
   You may only very reluctantly attach yourself to someone else, let alone fall in love. To discover the potential causes, hop over to my article on fear of commitment.
2. You’re on antidepressants.
   One of the side effects of antidepressants is that it blunt feelings of love and tenderness.
3. You suffer from social anxiety.
   Building a relationship requires being social. You’ll meet your partner’s friends and family and attend social events of various kinds. It requires you to feel relatively at ease with yourself in social situations. If that’s not the case, you’ll probably always feel torn and prefer to come up with an excuse. You may want to take my social anxiety test.
4. You have low self-esteem.
   You’ll likely feel insecure in your relationship, wondering whether your partner will stick it out or find someone else more attractive. You might have a tendency to cling to your partner without ever really feeling comfortable in your own skin and at ease with your partner. See my article on how to boost self-esteem.
5. You suffer from depression.
   When you’re depressed, your feelings are dulled, and that might include feelings of love. You’ll lean towards negative thinking, which will impede building the necessary level of trust.
6. You have other mental health issues.
   Your feelings of love during the first phase of a loving relationship may win due to their intensity. However, feelings and emotions thrown off balance on account of mental health issues can override your love for someone. Think, for example, of high levels of anxiety or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
7. You’re on the autistic spectrum.
   When you’re on the spectrum, it can be particularly challenging to figure out what other people are feeling. You’re likely to have a tough time even starting a conversation with someone. Let alone continuing one and then building a happy, loving relationship.
8. You’re unsure of where you are on the gender spectrum.
   You may or may not have come out of the closet, but you’re unsure where you stand on the gender spectrum.
9. You’re dealing with significant physical issues.
   Chronic illness and different (dis)abilities may result in obstacles, challenging to overcome. That may make it more difficult to give in to feelings of love when you fear commitment may not follow.

Just know that you’re far more capable and resilient than you probably give yourself credit for. Hold on to hope, there may well be opportunities for you to find love also. And when you do, you’ll know where to come to discover if you love that person.

Do you need to love someone to have a successful marriage or relationship?

What about arranged marriages?

An arranged marriage may provide safety and security as parents (or matchmakers) look for someone (with their family) who matches their family’s religious beliefs, cultural background, education and ambition. Love interests don’t come into it.

However, this article reports on the findings of a study of arranged vs love-based marriages in the US:

“We found absolutely no difference between participants in arranged marriages and those in free-choice marriages…”

So, it seems you don’t necessarily need to love someone for you to be able to build a healthy, loving relationship and successful marriage.

Based on the arranged marriage example, you need to start with a degree of compatibility and familial support to help you on your way.

Sources

• PsychologyToday – How do you know if you’re in love
• LiveScience.com – 12 scientifically proven signs you’re in love
• Elsevier – Anthropology and love expert Helen Fisher on the mysteries of love