How to be the most supportive spouse or partner. 3-step plan

Includes how to be an emotionally supportive spouse

I’m so chuffed you want to invest time and energy in learning how to be a supportive spouse.

Maybe your wife or husband has told you you could be more supportive.

Or, perhaps, you’re getting married and want to be sure you can be the best possible spouse.

Perhaps your spouse is depressed, suffering from anxiety, having a nervous breakdown, or has fallen ill in some other way. 

It could be you’ve been told you’re not emotionally supportive and that you’re ‘never there’ for them. “What the heck does that mean?” you might wonder.

You may well have done your best and tried to offer support, but you or your spouse feels you’ve ‘failed’ somehow. If that’s happening for you, be sure to also read my article The 7-step plan to be a better husband.

So, let’s get cracking – I’m aiming to help you become the most supportive spouse possible! 🙂

How to be a supportive husband, wife or partner

What does offering support really mean? What kind of support might your spouse be looking for.

What kind of support does your spouse need?

Let’s quickly run through a list of tasks where you might reasonably be expected to offer support.

While going through the following list, think about what you might already be contributing:

• Going to work and contributing to the financial coffers (being the sole earner or not)
• Looking after the kids
• Helping out with daily chores around the house
• Shopping
• Cooking
• Cleaning
• Washing/ironing
• Other household chores
• DIY
• Garden maintenance
• Help with the baby at night
• Help with sick children at night
• Take time off when children are ill
• Getting the kids ready for school
• School runs
• Attending school events
• Doing whatever is needed for school events
• Taxi-ing the kids here, there and everywhere
• Supporting elderly parents or extended family
• Tasks related to caring for an ill spouse or child
• Going to family gatherings of the in-laws
• Joining your spouse attending work do’s
• Organising holidays
• Getting ready for and clearing up after the holidays
• Doing anything else that’s asked of you.
• Painting
• Other DIY jobs.

Recheck the above list.

Now ask yourself if you can honestly say you’re pulling your weight with this enormous list of tasks.

If not, there might well be a reason you can defend that prevented you from doing your share.

Next, make a note of what precisely you can take responsibility for – not just now, but in going forward. Your commitment really counts.

Have you taken on half of all that? And still, your spouse accuses you of not being supportive?

I suspect then they want you to be more emotionally supportive.

What being emotionally supportive is not

How you could thwart your efforts to be more supportive emotionally

Let’s look, first of all, at what doesn’t constitute emotional support.

Being emotionally abusive

Being emotionally supportive includes ensuring you don’t do or say anything that looks or sounds like emotional abuse.

 Ouch! Sounds horrible, doesn’t it? But you may be surprised by some of the signs of emotional abuse, so it’s well worth scanning that article!

When you’re emotionally abusive, you’re deliberately undermining your spouse’s confidence and self-esteem. This also is a way of conveying you’re better than them.

Using the silent treatment

Giving someone the silent treatment inevitably feels like a punishment. You might have resorted to it when feeling overwhelmed – you’ve shut down, unable to talk or think. You might not have meant to hurt your spouse.

But, if you’ve used the silent treatment to win an argument, you deliberately wanted your spouse to feel bad, so you could feel better. Unfortunately, your ego got in the way.

When you want to be emotionally supportive of your spouse, ditch using the silent treatment and avoid manipulating them in any way.

Instead, learn How to argue better in a relationship. Do read that article because it has savvy tips and advice on dealing with tricky situations.

Constant criticism

When you criticise your spouse, it means that you’ve decided you know better.

Relationship researcher John Gottman calls constant criticism one of the horsemen of the apocalypse. His research showed that, unfortunately, it’s predictive of a potential early end to your marriage.

Being defensive

When your spouse mentions anything not to your liking, you immediately defend yourself and blame them. Hardly a way to be an emotionally supportive spouse!

Instead of dealing with perceived accusations by defending yourself – be curious. What’s going on for your spouse? Why are they so upset? What has triggered it, especially if, to you, it seems like an overreaction? What do they need right now?

Being emotionally supportive means giving them the benefit of your interest, positive attention, kindness, understanding and compassion.

So, let’s move on to discover how you can become more supportive.

What is emotional support? How can you be an emotionally supportive spouse or partner?

Just in case it applies to you, please see also my article about how to be a supportive husband when your wife is pregnant. Or, read my article How to support your spouse through the menopause.

When your spouse asks you to be more supportive emotionally, they want you to hear and validate their feelings. They’re hoping you take the time and make an effort to understand.

When you see my list of emotions and feelings, you’ll immediately see that it’s not so difficult to dig a little further to uncover your partner’s true feelings. For example, you’ll see that expressions of anger are a gateway to all sorts of other hidden feelings.

How cool would it be if you could enquire after those and respond to those deeper concerns?

Of course, you’re being able to respond kindly and compassionately happens in the context of your own well-being. You may not be able to respond appropriately if you’re in a bad place yourself (more on that further down).

However, without realising it, you may actually already offer emotional support.

When the family, and in particular your spouse, was already under pressure, you might have tried not to ‘burden’ them with:

• Your financial worries
• Your wants and needs
• Your own health concerns
• Your problems

Unfortunately, however well-meant, your spouse may have noticed your emotional withdrawal.

They might have made assumptions about your being distant, such as “he’s having an affair”. Or, “he doesn’t love me anymore”.

Now we’re getting to the core of how you might offer more emotional support.

How to be an emotionally supportive spouse

4-step plan to becoming an emotionally supportive husband or wife

Step 1

Get to know yourself!

Yep, I suspect this is not what you were expecting.

So, here’s why self-awareness is so important.

If you can identify and name your feelings, you’ll be a much better listener.

You’ll be able to hold space (see Step 2) for your spouse without your emotions getting in the way. You’ll be able to respond to their concerns, complaints or wishes at a much deeper level.

Step 2

Hold space for your spouse to be vulnerable. Invite them to talk openly about how they’re feeling.

Holding space means you’re not making any judgement, not filling silences and not jumping to conclusions, making assumptions and offering advice.

Even if your partner or spouse is really upset or angry, that doesn’t mean you’ve to step in immediately to make them feel better.

Give those feelings space to bubble up and be expressed.

I promise you they won’t last. All you have to do is to say something like:

“I can see how hurt/ frustrated/ sad/ confused/ you’re feeling.”

Step 3

Learn from your spouse how you can help or support them. That’s the only way to discover how you can be emotionally supportive.

Maybe they want your encouragement and help to achieve their dreams. Perhaps they need a sounding board when tackling a problem.

Or, they need your support to overcome a loss or deal with a mental health problem. Or, your spouse or partner feels you don’t understand the pressures of bringing up a family.

Step 4

Aim to offer any help and support without judgement, even if it’s far from how you would tackle something. That doesn’t mean you can’t mention it if you think something is unethical or potentially unsafe.

That means you avoid the following:

• saying what a ‘stupid’ idea something is
• saying it must be their hormones
• telling them they’re over-reacting
• minimising their experience and feelings
• chipping in with how you would have reacted
• telling them it would all work out in the end
• judging when they should’ve gotten over something that’s happened.

Also, avoid using the well-intentioned but not so helpful:

• Saying you understand when you really don’t
• Saying: “I know how you feel.”
• Offering of advice
• Telling them they’ll get over it.

All of the above simply means you’re not really listening. 

Frustrating or irritating, perhaps?

Don’t worry – forgive yourself if you need to. You’re on the path to learning how to be an emotionally supportive partner or spouse.

So, let me help you now learn to listen – really intently.

Believe me when I say what a huge difference that’s going to make to how your spouse or partner will feel!

How to be an emotionally supportive spouse or partner

Supporting your spouse with advanced listening skills

Listening with focussed attention, empathy, kindness and compassion is a much-appreciated skill everywhere. Once you know how to do that, you’ll find not only your spouse but also others enjoying your company.

Why?

Because you’ve suspended your own needs to make space for theirs. Accomplishing that shows you’re making great strides in becoming emotionally intelligent!

The link between listening and intimacy

Advanced listening skills combined with emotional support help to create greater intimacy. It helps to bridge any gap between the two of you. You know what I mean – when your spouse is miffed with you, and they feel distant.

Oh, and believe me, it might also help to overcome any lack of physical intimacy.

So, make the decision and commit to showing a genuine interest and listening carefully.

Cast your mind back, how often have you been giving your partner your full attention? Have you turned towards them or did you half-listen and carried on with what you were doing?

How often have you tried to get to know them better (save perhaps in the early days of your relationship)?

Now is the time to reverse that trend. So, hop over to my article on how to argue better in a relationship where you’ll find a detailed description of how to be the best listener possible.

The better you know your spouse or partner, the more likely you’ll be able to support them in the way they like. Not in the way you think they need to be supported!

When they know and trust you have their best interest at heart – from their perspective – they’ll more easily share their concerns and feelings. It also means that it’s likely easier to address any relationship issues without it turning into a massive argument.

So, take this test now to see how much you know about your spouse. Do you know the answers to the following questions?

Getting to know your spouse’s landscape

• Who are their friends, and what do they like about them?
• What is their political opinion?
• What are their beliefs and values?
• What are their joys?
• What are their worries?
• What are their hopes and dreams?
  How have they changed over time?
• What regrets do they have and why?
• What losses have they suffered in their life?
  Which loss has left a lasting impression and why?
• How do they feel about their body?
  How and why has that changed over the years?

Let them talk without interrupting them.

Say things like:

• “Tell me more.” And…
• “Can you say a little more about that?”
• “How do you feel about that?”
• “What does that mean to you?”
• “What does that do with you?”
• “When did you first feel like that?”
• “Uhuh”.

I’ve developed a set of communication tools to help couples get to know each other better.

My relationship-building communication tools kit for couples has 12 downloadable worksheets, test and other resources and is entirely free.

3 tips on being a supportive spouse

1. Decide to be present – pay attention

Decide to be present (opens in a new tab) when you wake up. make a mental note of what you’d like to do for your spouse that day.

Think thereby about listening more, being present at a particular activity, and taking responsibility for your part of the chores without needing to be asked.

Crucially, go one step further than they might have expected from you.

2. Help your wife or husband get sufficient rest

Help your spouse to get enough rest (opens in a new tab) – emotionally, physically, mentally and sensory. You’d both cope better with stress if you each have adequate time and space for rest.

3. Show appreciation and gratitude regularly

Hide notes with meaningful love and thank you quotes in your spouse’s drawers, pockets, briefcase, bags, shoes, etc.

Develop the skill of giving genuine well-meant compliments.

How to be caring and supportive when your spouse has mental health problems

When your spouse or partner is suffering from depression, anxiety, OCD, addiction or is going through a nervous breakdown, you’ll want to know how you can help. I’ve got you!

I have written the following articles specifically for you:

Supporting and caring for someone who is going through a really tough time can be challenging, so let’s now look at what you can do for yourself.

Free printable worksheet

This worksheet has a ton of ideas on how else you can offer support (and look after yourself).

Free printable worksheet

What you can do for yourself

Naturally, offering your spouse or partner support is all the harder if you’re angry, stressed or depressed. And, let’s face it – you’re going to feel any or all at some point in your life.

So, one of the best things you can do is to increase your emotional capacity.

How to increase your capacity to be an emotionally supportive spouse

• Develop effective habits for dealing with everyday stresses, such as aiming for a healthy work/life balance – if at all possible.
• Switch off as many notifications on your phone as you dare. Each bell or whistle detracts you from the attention for yourself and others, including your spouse or partner.
  The moment you attend to your phone, you’ve lost the connection with the other.
• Learn to forgive. Keeping scores undermines your mental health and damages your relationship.
• Exercise. Do whatever appeals to you. If you’re not the sporty type – walk! For stress management and physical unease, I recommend yoga.
• Learn all you can about mindfulness and practice it. There’s no need to sit on a meditation cushion if that’s not your thing. You can learn to be more mindful and thereby less bothered by that endless stream of thoughts in everything you do.
• Learn to let go – of your need to be right, your need for possessions, things you can’t change, trying to impress, and past wrongs.
• Tackle any personal problems, such as traumas, depression, anxiety and addictions. You’re responsible for your own well-being – nobody can ‘make’ you happy.
• Last but not least – aim to meet your essential emotional needs in balance.

When you’re happy in your skin, you have a much greater capacity for kindness and compassion in everything you do, including being a supportive partner.

Finally

I hope I’ve answered all your questions on how to be an emotionally supportive partner or spouse.

As well as being emotionally supportive, doing small things often is what makes a marriage or relationship work.

I’m going to leave you with one last tip: let your partner or spouse also read this article. 😉

You can do it. And nobody can offer support quite the way you will because you’re as unique as any star in the night sky – there’s no one else in this world like you!