I’m in a Zoom event, listening to a man in his mid-40s share a personal story and a recent struggle in his family.
And 45 seconds later, I’m not listening to him. My chat notification showed 3 new messages, so I clicked to see what I’m missing. Someone has written that they are going through a similar thing. Someone else has included the name of a new book on this topic. And others are sending heart emojis in support.
Wait, what did the speaker just say? I can tell by the look on his face that it was vulnerable and uncomfortable, but I don’t know what he said. I nod and put an empathetic look on my face. I’m pretending that I was paying attention.
About 10 minutes later, I’m sharing a personal story about a recent challenge in my work. I see some messages pop up in the chat bar on the right of my screen. And now I see eyes that were watching me, looking down and to the side. I can tell some people are starting to type responses.
I cut my story short because I personally feel foolish talking when others aren’t listening anymore.
Unfortunately, it is impossible to 100% listen to someone speak, comprehend their meaning and emotions, AND read messages that others have posted. Our brains are not capable of doing that.
It is harder to feel connected and build trust when we are not in person. And in our sudden shift to virtual meetings, it has been difficult to stay focused and listen intently when only looking at people in Zoom boxes. So I’d love to facilitate presence and connection, instead of interfering with it.
My suggestion and preference is to agree at the start of a meeting to not use Zoom chat unless everyone is using it at the same time for an intended purpose. Otherwise, it is not fair or kind to the person who is speaking because they are not getting our undivided attention and listening.
I speak about “Generous Listening” in my work – listening with the intent to understand, with an open heart of kindness, inferring generous intent, acknowledging emotions, and being curious. We are already struggling with this as a nation…and aspects of virtual meetings can make it more difficult than it needs to be.
I know this may be an unpopular opinion, so thank you for listening. 😀
~Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus — Sociologist, Intimacy Coach, Relationship Speaker