We are not Vulcans and emotions are tricky little beasts that can be ever so hard to wrangle. While we might like to think we have them mastered, more often than not they are the master of us. And as challenging as that realization might be, it can be even more challenging when we think of ourselves as a Master. But many are the Dominants who found it effortless to Dominate their submissive…until they fell in love. How do you Dom someone you love? Why does it get so much harder to do?
The answer is, of course, those tricky emotions that Dominate us all. Dominants who had no issues with gleeful sadism until their heart got involved are a fairly common occurrence. Once the heart is involved, the rulebook goes out the window. Today’s column comes courtesy of a reader who is struggling with doming their partner and is looking for tips.
“I had no problem dominating my partner until we got into a relationship and I really started to care for them. Now all of the sadistic domination I used to be able to do I can’t anymore. I love them too much to hurt them. How can I make myself hurt the person I want to pamper and spoil? How do you Dom someone you love? I can’t do it anymore! “—Love Shouldn’t Hurt
Bitter Medicine
If it helps any, Love Shouldn’t Hurt, you are currently finding yourself in a fairly common position that many other Dominants before you have also experienced. That is the good news. Now here is the bad news: every single tip I am about to give you you are not going to like and all of them require some degree of compromise. There is not a single solution to your current situation that isn’t going to contain at least a little bitter medicine.
As an educator and advice columnist, I have been running into various versions of this exact situation the entire time I have been educating. Continually running into it has also made me realize what a dyed-in-the-wool sadist I am–I have never had any issue with sadistically dominating the ones I care for. I can love someone utterly and also gleefully reduce them into a whimpering pulp of undone goo.
Shifting Relationships
I bring this up because it leads to a very important point–your relationship started with the basis of sadistic dominance. And now because of your heart and those tricky emotions, you can no longer get into that headspace and instead want to do cuddles and sweet snuggles. That isn’t a bad thing in any way, shape, or form…but it is a definite shift in the relationship dynamic. A big significant shift.
If the original reason the two of you got together was over sadistic domination and now you are too in love to do that, how does your partner feel about that? Are they okay with this significant shift? Or are they missing what was the original reason the two of you started interacting in the first place?
How Do You Dom Someone You Love?
The first step is to ascertain if sadistic domination is something your partner is missing. Maybe they aren’t and they are okay with this new chapter of the relationship. No issues here and snuggles for everyone! Yay!
However, if they are not and find themselves missing the sadistic thumpings, here is the part where I give the tips, none of which you are going to like. Your only options are:
- Suck it up and dish out the sadistic domination your partner wants, even though you no longer want to
- Tell your partner to suck it up and accept that sadistic domination is no longer on the table because you love them too much
- Let them get those sadistic domination needs fulfilled somewhere else by someone who isn’t finding love getting in the way of exploring their sadistic side
- Ignore the situation until it becomes too big to ignore and leads to hurt on all sides, and not the fun kind of hurt
Told you that you weren’t going to like the options, but that is what they are. All of them require some degree of compromise and awkwardness. None of them are ideal. I am sorry if I am not telling you what you want to hear, but I am a truth-teller. If sadistic domination is what brought the two of you together and it is no longer something you can do, you have changed the nature of your dynamic considerably. People that crave sadistic domination usually don’t stop having those desires and you not being able to meet them can potentially be causing some frustration on their end.
You won’t know until you have an honest conversation with them. whether you two settle on some service topping on your part, them setting aside their masochistic urges, or outsourcing those needs to another party, I wish the two of you nothing but the best. Love is beautiful and it doesn’t have to hurt…unless you want it to. Best of luck!
Keep it Kinky My Friends,
RDG
Want to add your own insight to the conversation? Leave a comment below.
Have a question that you want answered in the Dirty Talk Advice Column? Contact Rain here.
Keep these columns coming.
Support Rain on Patreon
OR
