Navigating differences in sexual desire for high libido and low libido partners is a challenge that many couples face at some point in their relationship. These desire discrepancies, if left unaddressed, can chip away at the foundation of intimacy and connection. In episode 15 of the Roadmap to Secure Love podcast, Kim and Kyle dive into practical solutions to help low libido romantic partners restore intimacy and foster a healthy, thriving sexual relationship.
This is episode 3 of our mini-series on desire discrepancy.
- Episode 11: Desire Discrepancy: How to Reignite Sexual Connection in Long-Term Relationships
- Episode 14: Desire Discrepancy Demystified: How to Thrive with a Higher Libido
In this episode we’ll explore the key challenges that often accompany low libido, as well as actionable solutions to help you and your partner navigate these issues.
The Challenge of Desire Discrepancy for The Low Libido Partner
The Emotional Toll of Feeling “Less Than” in Sexual Intimacy
For the partner experiencing low libido, it’s common to feel inadequate or as though something is fundamentally wrong with them due to the societal emphasis on sexual performance and high desire which can lead to feelings of guilt, insecurity, and even shame. Often, the partner with lower desire starts to internalize these feelings, thinking that they aren’t sexual enough or that they’re failing their partner in some way.
Podcast Insight:
Kyle and Kim emphasize that feeling “less than” is a common experience for individuals with low libido, but it’s important to understand that sexual desire fluctuates and varies for a variety of reasons. Low libido doesn’t mean you’re broken. In fact, Kim highlights that low desire is often a normal response to life’s stressors, and it’s crucial to shift this narrative to one of self-compassion and understanding.
Stress as an Erotic Break
The modern world demands constant attention, productivity, and focus. Whether it’s managing work deadlines, household responsibilities, or family obligations, many people are constantly caught up in their heads, trying to juggle everything at once. This “mental load” can be a significant barrier to sexual desire, acting as an “erotic break” that stifles libido. For someone with low libido, the pressure to switch from productivity to intimacy can be a hard change.
Podcast Insight:
Kyle explains that “stress and mental load are major contributors to low libido.” Partners with lower desire often have too much on their plate, making it difficult to relax and be present for intimacy. When you’re in a constant state of productivity, there’s little space left for desire to emerge.
Low Libido Solutions: Steps to Reignite Desire
If you or your partner are struggling with low libido, there are practical steps you can take to rebuild intimacy and create an environment where desire can flourish. Kim and Kyle discuss several key low libido solutions on the Roadmap to Secure Love podcast that can help couples reconnect emotionally and physically.
1. Create Space for Non-Productivity
One of the most powerful solutions for low libido is making intentional time for non-productive activities. In a world that prizes productivity, it’s essential to carve out moments where you can simply be present, relax, and enjoy life without worrying about the next task. This space is where intimacy and desire can begin to grow.
Podcast Insight:
Kyle discusses how non-productive time is often the missing ingredient for couples struggling with desire discrepancy. Whether it’s taking a walk, enjoying a cup of coffee, or sitting outside with no agenda, these moments allow your mind and body to relax, creating space for your erotism to reawaken. “Even something as small as savoring your coffee can help you reconnect with your body,” Kyle explains.
2. Prioritize Pleasure, Not Performance
Another key low libido solution is shifting the focus from sexual performance to experiencing pleasure. Many people with lower libido feel pressured to meet certain sexual expectations, whether it’s frequency or intensity. This pressure only exacerbates the problem, leading to anxiety and a further decrease in desire. It draws us to our heads, rather than in the sensations we experience in our body. Instead, couples should prioritize pleasurable experiences, both inside and outside the bedroom.
Podcast Insight:
Kim stresses the importance of finding pleasure in small, everyday moments. Whether it’s petting your dog, enjoying a sunset, or even engaging in non-sexual touch with your partner, reconnecting with the sensation of pleasure can help bring your body back into the present moment and lay the foundation for eroticism. “Pleasure doesn’t have to be sexual to reignite desire,” Kim says.
3. Reclaim Your Erotic Identity
For those with low libido, reclaiming a sense of erotic identity is critical. This involves asking yourself what makes you feel sexy and empowered, and finding ways to connect with that version of yourself. Your erotic identity isn’t just about sex—it’s about feeling confident, attractive, and in tune with your body.
Podcast Insight:
Kim explains how reclaiming your erotic identity starts with small steps, like finding an outfit that makes you feel good or engaging in activities that boost your self-esteem. “Ask yourself what makes you feel sexy and confident,” she advises. Whether it’s wearing something that makes you feel powerful or taking time for self-care, nurturing this side of yourself is key to reigniting desire.
4. Communicate and Set Boundaries
Another important low libido solution is clear communication between partners. Discussing your needs, desires, and boundaries can help reduce the pressure to perform and create an environment of pleasure. Setting boundaries around work, responsibilities, and even intimacy can help create the mental and emotional space needed to foster desire.
Podcast Insight:
Kyle encourages couples to openly discuss the mental load they carry and how it impacts intimacy. Setting boundaries, like scheduling time for relaxation or agreeing on non-sexual touch, can help reduce the pressure that often accompanies desire discrepancy. This creates a healthier space where both partners can feel safe and connected.
Building a More Connected, Intimate Relationship
Desire discrepancy is a complex issue, but it’s one that can be addressed with the right strategies and mindset. For the partner with a lower libido, they can contribute to pleasurable intimacy by creating space for non-productive time, prioritizing pleasure, and reclaiming their erotic identity, they can begin to overcome desire discrepancy with their partner and build a more fulfilling, intimate relationship.
This is episode 3 of our mini-series on desire discrepancy.
- Episode 11: Desire Discrepancy: How to Reignite Sexual Connection in Long-Term Relationships
- Episode 14: Desire Discrepancy Demystified: How to Thrive with a Higher Libido
Support my work: Buy me a coffee
Listen to Previous Episodes:
FAQ: The Challenge of Desire Discrepancy for the Low Libido Partner
1. What is desire discrepancy?
Desire discrepancy refers to a mismatch in the sexual desires or libidos between partners, where one partner may have a higher desire for sexual intimacy than the other.
2. Why do I feel “less than” because of my low libido?
Society often places a heavy emphasis on sexual performance and desire, which can make individuals with lower libidos feel inadequate, guilty, or as if something is wrong with them. It’s important to understand that low libido is a normal and often temporary response to life stressors, not a personal flaw.
3. How does stress affect sexual desire?
Stress and mental load can act as an “erotic break” that suppresses libido. When you’re constantly juggling responsibilities and feeling overwhelmed, it becomes difficult to relax and be present for intimacy, which directly affects desire.
4. What are some practical steps to address low libido?
Several strategies can help reignite desire and rebuild intimacy:
- Create space for non-productivity: Take time to relax and enjoy activities without focusing on tasks.
- Prioritize pleasure over performance: Focus on what feels good rather than meeting sexual expectations.
- Reclaim your erotic identity: Engage in activities that make you feel confident and empowered.
- Communicate and set boundaries: Openly discuss needs, boundaries, and how mental load impacts intimacy.
5. How can non-productive time help with low libido?
Non-productive time, such as taking a walk or enjoying a quiet moment, allows your mind and body to relax. This downtime is essential for creating an environment where intimacy and desire can grow naturally.
6. Why is it important to prioritize pleasure rather than performance in sexual intimacy?
Focusing on pleasure takes the pressure off sexual performance, which often causes anxiety. Enjoying pleasurable experiences—whether sexual or non-sexual—helps reconnect with your body and can reignite desire.
7. How can I reclaim my erotic identity if I have low libido?
Start by identifying activities, clothing, or actions that make you feel confident and sexy. Reclaiming your erotic identity involves feeling empowered and connected with your body, which plays a key role in reigniting desire.
8. How can couples communicate effectively about desire discrepancy?
Clear communication about sexual needs, mental load, and boundaries helps reduce pressure. By discussing these openly, partners can create a safe space where intimacy can flourish without the expectation of performance.
9. Can low libido be fixed overnight?
Low libido is complex and influenced by many factors like stress, health, and emotional connection. While there are strategies to improve desire, it takes time and open communication between partners to address the issue effectively.
10. What role does self-compassion play in managing low libido?
Self-compassion is crucial. Instead of feeling guilty or broken, recognize that low libido is often a response to stress and life circumstances. Being kind to yourself can help ease the emotional toll and allow space for desire to return.
11. Can non-sexual touch help with low libido?
Yes, non-sexual touch—like holding hands, cuddling, or massages—can foster emotional and physical intimacy. This can create a foundation for rekindling sexual desire later.
12. How does setting boundaries help with low libido?
Setting clear boundaries around work, responsibilities, and intimacy creates mental and emotional space for relaxation. This can alleviate pressure and help partners feel more connected and available for intimacy.