Quiet Your Inner Critic! — Amanda Silver — Blog — Amanda Silver

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Quiet Your Inner Critic! — Amanda Silver — Blog — Amanda Silver

A couple of years ago, I was preparing to lead a new workshop that I’d been very excited to design. I poured creative energy into it for weeks, and the day had finally arrived. I was presenting to a group of powerful women leaders preparing for the next steps in their career. As I mentally rehearsed the intro, a little voice came into my head: “What could you possibly have to say to them? These women are so smart and accomplished; they don’t need your help. They’re going to be annoyed that you’re wasting their time.” I imagined looking out to a sea of skeptical faces as I led them through the program’s activities.  My energy and mood plummeted. 

My inner critic had just paid me a visit. 

What triggers the inner critic? 

You’ve probably heard your inner critic plenty of times, too. It’s that little (or not so little) voice that shows up when we’re about to take a risk, try something new, or reach for an ambitious goal. It can fill us with self-doubt when we’re about to push our limits. And it can appear even when we’re doing something we’ve already done before. 

What we’re talking about here is bigger than “imposter syndrome.” Having moments of self-doubt doesn’t always mean feeling like an imposter. Nearly everyone hears the inner critic at times—and women tend to hear it more often than men. That’s partly because our society has a strong bias toward men’s leadership and communication styles. According to Ruchika Tulshyan and Jodi-Ann Burey in “Stop Telling Women They Have Imposter Syndrome,” this bias mostly comes from systemic and structural barriers women have faced along the journey to success. As they note, it’s the bias that needs to be fixed, not us.

Hearing the inner critic is a normal human experience. You don’t actually need to destroy your inner critic—and you can’t—but you can stop it from derailing your momentum.

Let’s explore what to do when you hear this voice, so you can keep moving toward that next milestone. Here are three steps to calm your inner critic.

1. Learn to recognize the inner critic when it shows up. 

Whenever we’re about to do something daring, the inner critic steps in to keep us safe from failure, says author Tara Mohr in Playing Big. It makes irrational statements focused on worst-case scenarios and absolutes:

  • “You could never pull that off.” 

  • “You’re not ready to do this. You need a lot more training/education/life experience first.”

  • “Everyone’s going to laugh at you behind your back.”

  • “If you pursue that idea, you’ll just be wasting your time.” 

  • “Other people are way more qualified for that than you.”

  • “You’re not really an ‘ideas’ person.”

According to Mohr, “The inner critic speaks up with more viciousness and volume when we are exposing ourselves to a real or perceived vulnerability—something that triggers a fear of embarrassment, rejection, failure, or pain.” It stands guard at the edge of our comfort zone, trying to prevent us from stepping forward. That means it gets loudest when we’re going for our biggest dreams.

Why? Because we feel the most vulnerable in those moments.

Rather than letting the critic convince us to turn around, Mohr explains that hearing your inner critic means you are on exactly the right track.

I repeat…you are on the right track! 

So, what to do first when your inner critic kicks in? 

  • Recognize that it is the critic’s voice talking—this in itself can feel empowering. 

  • Then, separate the inner critic from yourself—don’t identify with it. For example, you can say something like “My inner critic is just having a freakout right now because I’m starting something new….” This trains you to view your inner critic as one voice in your head, not the dominant one. It’s not you, just a small part of you. 

2. Approach your inner critic with compassion.

Next, compassionately look at your inner critic’s motives. You might create a character to represent your inner critic, Mohr suggests. Then, you can gently ask it about its motivations. What makes it so afraid?
Respond compassionately to the answers and reassure it that you’ll be okay. Whatever you do, don’t waste energy arguing with the inner critic or debunking its critiques—that’s an endless cycle that goes nowhere.

A quick journaling practice focused on my commitment to my goal always helps me with this. Every morning while I’m preparing for my projects that day, I write: 

  • I am 100% committed to succeeding with [fill in the blank].  

  • Then I ask myself: what do I need to do today to bring 100% commitment to this?

    I journal about what comes up for five minutes. Some of the responses that have surfaced: a mentor; time in my schedule; some encouragement from a friend; eating 3x/day; conversation with a trusted colleague to share my goals; visioning; more compassion and joy; one more action step forward. 

Finally, I decide which of these things I most need today and I put those things into my schedule. This commitment practice helps me keep my focus front and center, rather than using my precious time and energy to argue with the critic (who never listens). 

3. Adopt a more authentic narrative.

Rather than focusing on the inner critic’s assertions, embrace a new mindset. Affirm that you’ll keep going for your goals even when you hear the critic speak up. 

A fantastic practice for this involves rewriting your personal narrative to portray a more authentic—and exciting—version of yourself than the image your critic presents. This is beautifully laid out in author Julia Pimsleur’s Go Big Now. Create a description for a Netflix series starring you, she suggests. “Try writing your two-line life story as if you had already accomplished your goal.”

As you settle into this identity, consciously speak to yourself in a supportive voice. Start a gratitude practice, naming things you’re grateful for every day, urges Pimsleur. This will help you focus on everything that’s going right in your life, which plays a big role in maintaining a positive attitude and self-talk.

You’ll still hear the inner critic’s voice at times — you just don’t need to take direction from it. Remember that hearing the critic’s voice means you’re doing something important for yourself. Keep at it!

When I actually delivered that presentation, the inner critic’s voice faded away. As I spoke, I looked around at the sea of attentive faces engaged in the story I was telling. I really understood that as we step into our power and experience the fullness of our capabilities, the inner critic calms down. It stops telling us we can’t or shouldn’t do something, because we’re proving to ourselves that yes, we absolutely can. 

If you are ready to move past your inner critic and want the support to help make that happen, let’s chat! Book a call here.

Sources

Elle Hunt, “Silence Your Inner Critic: A Guide to Self-Compassion in the Toughest Times,” The Guardian

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jan/06/silence-your-inner-critic-a-guide-to-self-compassion-in-the-toughest-times

Tara Mohr, “Bust Your Inner Critic (3)”
https://www.taramohr.com/inspiration/self-doubt-the-inner-critic/overcoming-the-inner-critic-part-iii-little-atonements/

Tara Mohr, “The Good News about Your Inner Critic”

https://www.taramohr.com/overcoming-self-doubt/the-good-news-about-your-inner-critic/

Tara Mohr, 2015, Playing Big

Julia Pimsleur, 2021, Go Big Now

Ruchika Tulshyan & Jodi-Ann Burey, “Stop Telling Women They Have Imposter Syndrome.” Harvard Business Review.
https://hbr.org/2021/02/stop-telling-women-they-have-imposter-syndrome

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