Allegedly, in an ideal world, you and your partner have all of the exact same interests and are perfectly compatible in all the ways. Forever and amen, soul mates and twin flames. In the real world, it is never 100%, and a willingness to compromise is needed for relationship sustainability. We find someone that is close enough and compromise on the incompatibilities. Unfortunately, sometimes the things our partner craves can be something we want nothing to do with.
Exhibitionism is one of those fetishes that people are either really into or really not–few people feel neutral about it. What does one do when their partner’s preferences are not only not compatible but activity off-putting? How does one come to terms with their spouse’s fetish not only excluding but concerning them? Is not yucking someone’s yum important enough to keep your concerns to yourself? All these questions answered and more in the latest Dirty Talk advice column.
“I’m not comfortable with it, but my husband considers himself to be an exhibitionist. I’m just not comfortable with his need to show himself off to strangers! He thinks I’m just being jealous, but that’s not it. His fetish feels like a solo activity where I am not welcome because he knows I’m not into it. Of course, I want him to be happy sexually but I am growing increasingly more uncomfortable with his exhibitionism fetish. I don’t want to keep feeling like the only option is to tell him: “Do whatever you want”. How do I deal with the situation of a partner having a fetish that I’m really REALLY not into?”—Unhappy With Spouse’s Exhibitionism Fetish
Look At Me
Exhibitionism is a tricky fetish and I say this as a lifelong exhibitionist. To be an exhibitionist requires eyeballs on the other side of the equation in order for it to work. Without an audience, without someone to be doing the viewing, the exhibitionist isn’t getting to do the thing they adore—attention. Where things can get tricky is that sometimes in the drive to explore one’s exhibitionism fetish, exhibitionists don’t always establish enthusiastic consent from all of the eyeballs in question. Sometimes, the desire to be viewed is strong enough that those doing the viewing don’t get the opportunity to clearly consent.
Hopefully, the type of exhibitionism that your husband is doing is at nightclubs, nude beaches, and events designed for that sort of thing and less “sunbathing nude on the deck, oh people can see me?! Oh my, teehee!”. Your letter doesn’t state exactly how he engages in his fetish, but even if he sticks to posing at nude beaches, it is still an activity that doesn’t include you in any way. Of course it feels like there is a big important part of his life where you are not a consideration.
Communication Is Key
Because you state that your spouse knows that you don’t share his exhibitionism fetish, and still continues to do it, it is obvious that it is something that is important to him. Important enough to continue to do despite you being clear how you feel excluded. I don’t think you being uncomfortable with his activities makes you jealous per se, it makes you uncomfortable with his activities. Those are your feelings and you are allowed to have them.
It wasn’t clear to me if you knew he had this fetish before you married him, or if this is a fetish that has developed over time since the two of you exchanged vows. Knowing ahead of time that something that was important to him and marrying hoping you could change his stance on the matter down the road tends to have a low success rate. If his exhibitionism fetish is something that started happening after the two of you got married the conversation is going to look different than if you knew all along.
Making Decisions
In the end, the core of it is that something that your spouse loves you quite don’t, and while you have made your feelings on the matter known, they continue to do it. Do you know the answer to what you are going to do if he is unwilling to stop? Are you willing to continue to be in a relationship if he refuses to give up his exhibitionism fetish? What would a compromise that feels good to you personally look like? Only you can answer those questions.
I encourage you to sit down with your husband and clearly (and also compassionately!) state your feelings on the matter. Look for a solution that works for both of you. Have this conversation while neither of you are rushed or stressed and in a no-pressure location. Think about what you want to say ahead of time and do so in neutral language. Hopefully, the two of you will be able to find a resolution that works for all parties. Best of luck!
Keep it Kinky My Friends,
RDG
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