And just like that, my oldest daughter is about to graduate from high school. The past 18 years have been a winding journey of laughs, tears, struggles, triumphs, and so much more. I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything.
Like most parents, I learned how to raise kids on the job. My upbringing, education, and instincts came into play, but nothing fully prepared me to raise children. Instead, I learned through trial and error, connecting with other caregivers and resources, and much reflection.
Some days, I felt like a good parent. Other days, not so much. Looking back, I realize there are insights I wish I‘d learned earlier. Once I put them into practice, these insights supported my daughter’s well-being and growth (and mine, too). They even inspired me to begin researching and writing books. Here are five parenting insights I wish I’d learned right from the start.
Five Parenting Insights I Wish I’d Learned Earlier
- Listen more, talk less (especially during the preteen and teen years)
As parents, it’s hard to see our kids struggle. The caregiver’s instinct to jump into problem-solving and advice-giving is intense. Sometime along the way, I learned to quiet this instinct and focus on listening instead.
To be heard, validated, and understood by another human is healing. It also builds trust. When kids and teens share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences, they begin to make sense of them. Often, simply processing out loud helped my daughter find her path. These moments also strengthen her confidence in herself to navigate problems.
- Remember the importance of repair
Like all parents, I messed up sometimes. I forgot to listen and jumped right to giving advice. Sometimes, I didn’t acknowledge and validate my daughters’ emotions. Other times, I reacted carelessly instead of responding thoughtfully.
Luckily, I learned about the importance of repair. When I humbly acknowledge my mistakes and apologize, I’m working to reconnect. Instead of avoiding uncomfortable conversations, I try to own my missteps and learn from them. These conversations remind my kids that we are all human and that they can come to me when they mess up, too.
- Worry less
I’m a worrier by nature, so this is tough for me. My brain quickly jumps to worst-case scenarios at hints of threat or harm. Over the years, I’ve been working on this tendency so I don’t pass it on to my kids.
When my kids bravely put themselves out there or try something new, I try to replace my “be careful” with “you got this.” This vote of confidence boosts their confidence in themselves.
I still regularly talk to my teens about safety, but then I try to let my worries go and remember this quote: “Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s peace.”
- Stay grounded through social ups and downs
Most kids and teens feel lonely at times, experience mean behavior, or feel left out. These moments are uncomfortable but common.
When my kids were little, their social struggles were difficult for me, too. Luckily, I learned that these situations were opportunities to help kids build skills, confidence, and awareness to navigate relationships in healthy ways. Instead of adding my reactions and assumptions to difficulties, I found that staying calm and empathic helped to calm and support my kids.
- When their confidence dips, keep your confidence in them strong
Most kids experience a dip in confidence at some stage of development. Research finds that girls confidence can dip by 30% between the ages of 8 and 13. This dip may cause once confident kids to avoid taking risks, raising their hand in class, or trying something new.
Now, as the mom of an 18-year-old, it is amazing to see my daughter emerge on the other side. Her confidence returned because she started taking risks and believing in herself. This does not happen overnight. Whenever my kids’ confidence dips, I’m their biggest cheerleader and use these phrases: I believe in you and you got this.
Looking Ahead to the Next Phase
As my daughter prepares to walk across the stage and gather her diploma, we are all preparing for the next phase. I imagine it will be filled with laughs, tears, struggles, triumphs, and so much more. She will continue to grow as a person, and I will continue to grow as a parent.
I hope these five parenting insights are helpful. Feel free to take what is useful and toss the rest. Parenting is not one size fits all. Follow your heart, honor the child you have in front of you, and go easy on yourself. We are all learning as we go.
About Jessica Speer:
Jessica Speer is the award-winning author of books for kids and teens, including The Phone Book – Stay Safe, Be Smart, and Make the World Better with the Powerful Device in Your Hand, BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships and Middle School – Safety Goggles Advised.
Blending social science, stories, and activities, her writing unpacks tricky stuff that surfaces during childhood and adolescence. She has a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences and a knack for writing about complex topics in ways that connect with kids and teens. Jessica regularly contributes to media outlets on content related to kids, parenting, friendship, and social-emotional learning. For more information, visit www.JessicaSpeer.com